As told by Adria, written by Lauren Rose 

I once believed our relationship was beautiful. Looking back to before our marriage, the only red flag I can identify was his tendency to push sexual boundaries. Unfortunately, that continued into our marriage and ultimately led to sexual abuse towards me. 

Once we were married, I experienced coercive control that I didn’t initially recognize. When he became angry, he would emotionally isolate me, refusing to speak to me for days and making me feel as though I no longer existed. 

After a year and a half of marriage, I sought marriage counseling due to his emotional isolation. I thought we just needed to address our “marriage issues,” and he agreed to attend counseling with me, but no real change occurred. 

Five years into our marriage, I reached out to my church because of his harsh treatment of our boys. He would become verbally and physically violent when they misbehaved. When I attempted to intervene, he aggressively shoved me aside. At the time, I still didn’t recognize that I was being abused. 

I sought help from the church for eight years, but this only worsened my situation.

They treated it as a marriage issue and wanted us to focus on counseling, refusing to allow my boys to receive help from Child Protective Services (CPS) because they believed we should be able to work it out. After CPS was called once for an unexplained bruise, they advised me not to disclose what was happening, insisting it wasn’t the help I needed. Following an incident where my husband tried to sexually assault me and I walked away from him, he began ignoring me for days giving me the silent treatment.

The church insisted that I restore our relationship and support him as a good Christian wife, which they suggested was the solution to our “marriage issues.” 

When I decided to legally separate, I shared my reasons confidentially with my pastor, and an elder. The elder suggested I keep the details of our home life private, warning me that my husband could face jail time for his actions. However, I came to realize that their focus on saving our marriage and protecting my husband overshadowed the urgent need to prioritize our safety from the abuse we were enduring. 

After our separation, we received a contract from my church stating that our separation was not biblical and specified a date for our reconciliation. I refused to sign it and instead drafted my own agreement, stating that I would reconcile with my husband only when my counselor supported it. My counselor still did not understand the abuse I had experienced, and we ultimately reconciled prematurely. Following this, my husband and I decided to leave the church.

However, the church followed us to our new church and informed the entire session about our issues, claiming that my job outside the home, my assertive nature, and supposed gossiping were the root causes of our marital problems.

When tensions escalated in our marriage again and I realized I needed to separate from my husband for a much longer period (or for good), I sought help from our new pastor. He was the first to express concern for my boys and recognize the need for change to protect them. Although unsure of how to handle our situation, the staff was eager to listen and learn, making a significant difference. It gave me the confidence to separate and reach out to Called to Peace Ministries (CTPM). 

Two weeks after my second separation, I contacted CTPM to request an advocate. Diana Fies, CTPM Financial Administrator, was assigned as my advocate. She provided tremendous encouragement and assistance, listening to me and answering my questions. She walked with me and helped me navigate developing healthy boundaries and protection for myself and my four young boys.

Having an advocate empowered me to know that I was moving forward with intention and making wise decisions. Looking back, I realize I took the right path, even when the consequences felt overwhelming.

Diana and Dan Boeck, CTPM’s Church Partnership Coordinator, met with and guided my pastor as the church sought to help me and my husband. My pastor expressed how beneficial their guidance and wisdom were as they navigated this unfamiliar territory. My church became an incredible support system for my family. 

A few months later, I joined a CTPM support group. I connected with women who were in similar situations but at different stages of their journeys. For the first time, I felt seen and understood by a community that encouraged and supported me. While I had friends before, none truly understood what I was going through.

This experience allowed me to process my own circumstances in a positive and hopeful way. Ultimately, it laid the foundation for my continued healing as I walked with God and felt His presence. This group of women has become and continues to be very special to me.

Tragedy upon tragedy struck when the unthinkable happened: my husband took his own life on Mother’s Day, and my boys and I found him together. 

A few months after his death, the CTPM Emergency Fund provided me with gas gift cards to help transport my boys to therapy appointments. Not worrying about gas money for these essential visits was a relief. Both my advocate, Diana, and the women in my support group continued to love, pray for, and encourage me after my husband’s death. Diana even drove up to see me a few days afterward. 

A year and a half later, I facilitated a CTPM Protect the Flock training at my church, which about 50 ministry leaders attended. Seven leaders from my former church, the one that poorly cared for us, attended.

An elder at that church was later removed due to sexually abusing his step-daughter. Six months later, they hosted the training at their church. 

My current church is sponsoring me to attend CTPM advocacy training courses. This training will equip me to support and assist women in my church and community who are facing domestic abuse. Despite growing up in the church, I struggled in my marriage, feeling isolated and lacking a framework to understand my experiences, and I never encountered anyone who could help. I refuse to let other women endure that same loneliness. I want them to hear my testimony and discover that hope, help, and healing are within reach.

Having a supportive church community has significantly transformed our family’s lives! Over the past three and a half years of attending this new church, my oldest three sons have made commitments to their faith and officially joined our congregation. Recently, my 13-year-old excitedly shared that he invited a friend to our church, explaining, “Our church has taken care of us after Daddy died” and he wanted his friend’s family to have the same support we do.

Through witnessing the genuine love and care we’ve received, my boys have witnessed the embodiment and the essence of a true faith community. Their lives have been positively changed, emphasizing the crucial role our church plays in our family’s healing and growth.

We are healing daily, and although it’s challenging, God has been gentle and loving, providing for our needs in unexpected ways. My boys are learning to express their feelings and enjoy coming to me at night to talk.

God has continually reminded me, “I’m right here; I’ve got you.” Through both pain and the support of Called to Peace Ministries, my relationship with God has deepened. Though I would have preferred a different path, I trust in God’s beautiful plan for my life. I’m deeply grateful for this relationship, as without Him, there would be no hope or strength for tomorrow.