As told by “Addison,” written by Lauren Rose
When I look back on my dating relationship with my husband, I can see now that the volatility we experienced was an early warning sign. But at the time, I didn’t recognize it as emotional or verbal abuse. It was the only model of marriage I had ever known.
My father was a pastor, and the tension between my parents was always explained to me as spiritual warfare. I interpreted our emotional highs and lows as evidence that Satan was trying to disrupt something holy.
I was marrying a pastor. Surely this was God’s plan.
My journals from that season were filled with prayers like, “God, make me a more submissive helper. He is such a good man.” During our first year together, the fighting continued. I assumed the problem was me.
Over the next two decades, I poured myself into supporting my husband and raising our four children. When he lost two pastoral positions within two years, I stood by him without hesitation. I returned to work full-time to support our family.
For years I carried anxiety, exhaustion, and conflict, believing it was simply part of the cross I was supposed to bear.
But something began to change.
About fifteen years into our marriage, I joined a yearlong counseling intensive as part of my professional development as a counselor. I began to recognize painful patterns I had never allowed myself to see before.
I started to see that the dynamics in my marriage mirrored what I had witnessed growing up. My childhood had conditioned me to accept being controlled rather than cherished.
Around that time, the conflict in our marriage escalated. In one counseling session, I tearfully told the counselor that I was 10 out of 10 committed to growing healthy and old together.
My husband responded that he was only 3 out of 10 invested in working on our relationship.
I was devastated.
Not long after that, he secretly hired an attorney, signed a lease on a rental home, and moved out with our four teenage children.
The separation quickly became even more painful as I realized our children were being pulled into the conflict. I later learned that parental alienation is a tactic sometimes used in abusive relationships after separation.
Then, for the first time, he physically abused me, it shook me deeply. I remember thinking, “I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
I began reaching out for help.
Two close friends gently suggested that what I was describing sounded like abuse. They pointed me toward resources by Leslie Vernick, and I found Called to Peace Ministries (CTPM).
Through therapy, and advocacy, and support groups through Called to Peace Ministries, I began to understand the patterns that had kept me confused for so long – gaslighting, manipulation, and the misuse of spiritual authority were abused.
But while I was gaining clarity emotionally, I was also facing a practical crisis.
After twenty-one years of marriage, nearly every bill and account had been in my husband’s name. I found myself trying to secure a safe place to live while navigating overwhelming legal fees and fighting to stay connected to my children.
Around that time, I received a scholarship to attend the Called to Peace Ministries Women’s Retreat – an experience that would change my life.
The women I met at the retreat supported me. As I shared my situation and the uncertainty of not having a place to live, they told me about the Called to Peace Ministries’ Emergency Fund.
Through the care of these women and the generosity of donors, the Emergency Fund stepped in at the exact moment I needed help most.
Women from the retreat helped me pack, move, and secure a rental home in the same school district as my children. Emergency Fund donations helped cover the deposit so I could move into a safe place.
That rental home became a turning point for me.
It provided physical safety during a volatile season and allowed me to remain close to my children while I began navigating the difficult legal process ahead.
Today, I am still walking through a difficult legal journey as I seek to remain connected to my children and rebuild my life after abuse.
But I am no longer alone.
Through the advocacy, support groups, counseling resources, and retreat scholarships provided by CTPM, I have found a community of people helping me to heal from the abuse I lived through. The Emergency Fund didn’t just help me move into a rental home.
It gave me a place of refuge when everything in my life was falling apart.
And it helped me take the first steps toward healing.
