As told by “Amanda”, written by Lauren Rose 

 

Growing Up with Abuse and Confusion

I was raised by a feminist mother who encouraged me to speak up—but that was not always tolerated at home. When my father got angry, he’d calmly tell me to remove my glasses before backhanding me across the face. If I cried too long, I was told to stop. The injustice made me burn with anger and confusion. With no safe way to release it, I’d rub my feet raw on the carpet.

Marriage Marked by Control and Violence

Before I got married, I told my husband that he was never allowed to hit me. He didn’t. Instead, he kicked me. He grabbed me by the throat.

The Danger of Strangulation in Domestic Violence

I now know that strangulation is one of the highest indicators of lethality in domestic violence. But at the time, I didn’t know that. Abuse had been normalized in my life. I didn’t yet recognize how deeply unhealthy these patterns were.

The hurt in my marriage wasn’t just physical—it was emotional, spiritual, and financial. There was alcohol abuse in our home, constant deception, drained bank accounts, and mood swings that left me and the children walking on eggshells.

When the System Failed Our Family

My husband claimed that God spoke to him—but what followed wasn’t holiness. It was madness. He would wake me or the children in the night and demand they get dressed for school at 4 am, then yell at them for arguing.

When I finally got angry—after weeks of provocation—he said he “deserved it” and told me to hit him. The insanity of my home life left me trying to decode the madness and rescue him from his substance addiction, all while keeping the children safe.

The Impact on My Children

Over time, the physical violence spread to our children. One of our children began self-harming after a court-ordered therapy session placed them alone with their father. Seven weeks later, this escalated into a full suicide attempt.

Finding Hope at Called to Peace Ministries

Eventually, God created a path out as only He can. I evacuated our children to a safe house out of town and held an intervention for him. Our go-bags stayed ready, and I was prepared to leave everything except the children behind.

In 2017, I came to Called to Peace Ministries and joined one of the very first support groups led by Joy Forrest, the Founder of CTPM. The fog of war started to lift. Joy and the other women in that room knew the horror movie I’d lived through. I was not alone. And this was not OK.

Learning What Real Healing Looks Like

They didn’t kick me out for “oversharing” as my church small group had. They held my brokenness with gentleness and truth. When I saw the Power and Control Wheel for the first time, I understood how complex, insidious, and comprehensive domestic abuse can be.

Joy gently guided us through safe boundaries, forgiveness, lamenting with the Psalms, and how to rebuild our relationship with God after trauma. I returned to the support group more than once. Each time brought a deeper clarity and healing.

Thriving After Trauma: My Life Today

Now, I serve on the Board of Directors at Called to Peace Ministries. God is redeeming the abuse the enemy meant to destroy me with—turning it into hope for others.

I believe that when God allows us to walk through trauma, He intends to use it—for His glory and, in time, for our good. “He leads us through our pain, that we might help others through theirs” (2 Cor. 1:4).

Healing IS possible. I am thriving and so are our children—now. God led me to peace and a calling. He used this precious ministry to create the path back to wholeness.

A Call to Action: Help the Next Amanda

There are many women out there who feel like I did—confused, hurt, and struggling to protect their children. Each precious woman needs support. She needs God’s truth and peace. She needs Called to Peace Ministries.

Your gift this month can help more women just like me find healing.