As told by Ann, written by Lauren Rose
Now, at 78, I’m living in the peace God calls us to. Witnessing abuse in our home impacted my three siblings and me in different ways. Their stories are theirs to tell; this is my story. For me, God has restored what I lost as a child, but what did I lose?
- A balanced, healthy sense of worth
- The ability to think for myself and make wise decisions for my own life under God’s direction
- My voice
Growing up in the dynamics of abuse, I believed the lie that it is ok for men to be aggressive, to say whatever they want, to do whatever they want, to get whatever they want, and women are supposed to take it.
“Men can be mean, but women must be sweet” sums up the core message I believed as a child.
In addition to that, an older sibling acted out the trauma he experienced in the home toward me. I was bullied, ridiculed, hit, and felt powerless to help myself, hiding whenever I could. There was no parental intervention. The dynamics in my home were such that often no one knew where I was. I also experienced sexual abuse from nonfamily members at the age of 5 and again from ages 9-11. The belief that men were in charge and women were to just “take it” kept me from knowing how to use my voice to stop the sexual violence.
My self-worth plummeted. I learned to be a people pleaser, and that is the understatement of the century. I learned to be so sweet that no one in his right mind would reject me.
I think that it is by the grace of God that I didn’t marry an abusive husband, for I was certainly set up to repeat the pattern.
Despite marrying a wonderful husband who loves me deeply, the effects of my abusive childhood impacted our marriage. I found it hard to trust my husband and resorted to controlling behavior to protect myself. Thankfully, my husband stood by me, and with the help of Christian counseling, I began to untangle the lies I believed and the memories of my childhood and heal from my past.
I attended a Called to Peace Ministries’ (CTPM) Women’s Retreat with a friend during my healing journey. This experience opened my eyes to coercive control in marriages, and I decided to take CTPM’s advocacy training courses to support other women in similar situations.
The advocacy course was a revelation, helping me understand the complex dynamics of abuse. It equipped me with the language to express my experiences, validated that it wasn’t my or my mother’s fault, and helped me comprehend my mother’s responses and her journey. This understanding fueled my passion to support women in oppressive situations. I’m now part of a team at my church, where we are learning to respond appropriately and compassionately when someone discloses abuse.
As a survivor of childhood domestic abuse, I know the value of the validation women receive through advocacy. It’s like cool water in a desert; it’s affirming and loving. She must realize that it’s not her fault, and she must experience others’ acknowledgement and understanding of what she’s been through.
I’m passionate about educating women and the church community on supporting survivors and caring for the oppressed. I believe the church must reflect Christ’s heart and be equipped to help those in need.
Before they died, my Mom and Dad made amends to each other and to us kids. After years of therapy, study, and prayerful healing, I live in a double portion of blessing instead of shame, beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness (Isaiah 61:3). Sharing my story has given others hope and affirmation, and I’m committed to helping others find healing and support.
