If you’re curious about the difference a church can make when CTPM walks alongside them to help them understand how to care for women in domestic abuse, check out this story.

As told by “Lindsey,” written by Lauren Rose

My husband and I met through mutual friends who attended his church. At first, I thought he seemed insincere as he planned an over-the-top extravagant first date. I was ready to call it off but decided to give him another chance. I must have communicated through my actions that I wasn’t impressed because he changed his approach for the second date, using smooth words and flattery to charm me and morphing himself into precisely what he thought I wanted. After eight months of dating, we were married. 

He shared with me that his ex-wife abandoned him due to her mental and emotional issues. I did not know until I spoke with her later that after eight years of terrible mistreatment, she fled for her safety and filed for divorce.

After our wedding day, his behavior changed drastically. Our honeymoon was in a run-down, filthy cabin. He left our honeymoon early to go home and drink. When I returned home, he became controlling, repeatedly set me up to fail his expectations, and then became angry when I “failed.”

We bought a new home together. I paid for 90% of it in cash that I brought into the relationship. I packed up my belongings and then went to help him move. To my surprise, I found that he hadn’t packed anything intentionally, and there was trash everywhere, including expired food and his ex-wife’s belongings. I started cleaning up and helping him pack, but he got angry when he saw me touching his things. He yelled at me and made me pack up all the trash to take to our new home.  

In the early stages of our relationship, I shared with him that I had early menopause, which meant that I would be infertile. He joked about changing me out for someone else, which I initially brushed off. After we got married, he pressured me to take pregnancy tests over and over, responding in fury and using accusatory words towards me because I refused to “give him a child!”

He insisted that the choices I made and what I valued in my life were wrong in God’s eyes. This encompassed how I lived to honor God in my finances, career, personal wellness, church, community, friend and family relationships, and even how I approached my relationship with the Lord. He was convinced that his lifestyle was superior and what God wanted, and he demanded that I conform to his ways or suffer the consequences of his wrath and punishment. 

I couldn’t even put into words my utter confusion. Between my inability to conceive and his criticism of everything about me, I started to think I was a failure as a person, wife, and follower of Christ.

I did everything I could to make him happy and meet his expectations, changing every part of my life. However, he was never content, and his demands and standards kept increasing and evolving. I felt like a hamster in a cage, constantly running on a wheel.

I had been seeing a Christian counselor since before our marriage. She was concerned and gave me Leslie Vernick’s book “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.” I recognized my marriage in every single word of that book. I contacted the pastor who had conducted our wedding ceremony for counsel. My husband had been a part of the church for 15 years and was well-liked by almost everyone. He participated in every mission trip and served in various ways. I was scared to tell my pastor or anyone, thinking that no one would believe me. But surprisingly, the pastor agreed to meet with me privately. He was compassionate, didn’t blame me, and kept an attitude of listening. In the end, he said he was going to meet with my husband to get his side of the story. I left hopeful but scared about my husband’s response.

During our meetings with the pastor, my husband would put on a show of being heartbroken and confused, playing the role of a loving husband with a “difficult” wife. But once we were home, his true colors would show. I would be met with hostility, and he would make threatening remarks, asserting his control and instilling fear in me, warning me that I should never discuss our issues with the pastors behind his back. 

I finally decided to leave with only toiletries to a nearby shelter for six months until I could get a tiny apartment. 

After three and a half years of separation, my husband still attended every church event and met regularly with the pastors. He would say all the right things, leading them to believe he was repentant. The pastors would then ask me to communicate with him to experience his “repentant heart.” My response was always that true repentance involves tangible actions, not just carefully crafted words or communication with me— I had not experienced any of those tangible actions.

I then heard about Called to Peace Ministries (CTPM) through several podcasts.

The CTPM advocacy course and support group unquestionably provided the healing, support, and community I desperately needed. Connecting with the CTPM Church Partnership team, and the impactful work of CTPM Church Partnership Coordinator Dan Boeck, has truly been life-changing.

As I delved into the dynamics of abuse and working with perpetrators and the pivotal role that churches can play, I felt compelled to urge the two pastors to reconsider their approach to my husband’s disciplinary process. They resisted every time, stating they saw “progress” and didn’t want to “give up on him.” They believed that “people change in community” (which he’d had for 15 years, but had only gotten more entrenched in sin). 

After I gave them copies of “Domestic Abuse and the De-churched,” they had a meeting with the author, Dan Boeck, and then contacted me to schedule a follow-up meeting. After my pastors’ meeting with Dan, I noticed a distinct change in the way they spoke to me. They reassured me of their commitment to support me in any way needed, they affirmed how valued I am, and they acknowledged the pain that I have experienced. I wept as I felt seen and loved.

Additionally, the pastors worked with me to create a plan to bring more accountability and restrictions for my husband—both for my protection and to hopefully allow him to feel the consequences of his sin to lead him to repentance. 

They confronted my husband, adding boundaries to keep me safe. He didn’t like these parameters so he left to attend another church, stating to the elders that he was leaving so I could feel safe, eventually pursue reconciliation, and one day worship and serve together as husband and wife. However, I know this was his way of avoiding accountability and shifting the responsibility to me. 

I now have more joy and freedom in my church to worship and serve with my church family without the shadow of my husband’s oppressive presence. It is such a precious gift to me that CTPM made possible.

Currently, my husband and I, although separated, are still legally married. While this may not be the choice God leads others to, it is what I believe God is calling me to for me right now. This also relates to the financial implications of getting a divorce. I pray daily for the Holy Spirit to lead my husband into genuine repentance and I remain open to reconciliation when demonstrations of true Biblical repentance are displayed OVER TIME. But if that never happens, my joy and peace are complete.

Today, I am serving the body of Christ by advocating for other women who are in the same lost, confused place I once was. I know the changes in my church are a result of CTPM’s efforts to walk alongside them and offer wise instruction and counsel. I cannot thank them enough. The pastors have also expressed a great desire to continue to work with CTPM in the future. CTPM has blessed me greatly, and hopefully, their efforts will ultimately pave the way for my husband’s repentance if it is in God’s plan.