As told by Michelle, written by Lauren Rose and Natalie Meredith

Yes, that is me captured in a moment of worship at the 2024 Women’s Retreat. 

Frankly, many seasons of my life have been marked by trauma and abuse. Although much of it has been filled with joy and laughter, adventures, and amazing experiences, much has also been occupied by sadness, grief, and despair. Being born into a blue-collar, blended family as the “ours” among the “yours, mine, and ours” certainly came with its list of hardships. Most of my life has been lived in a dichotomy of feeling simultaneously loved and hated by those closest to me, which set the stage for unhealthy patterns.

As a child, I learned that love was conditional, based on my performance, fostering a constant need to prove my value and worth. Understandably, this exhausting performance mindset carried over into my personal and professional relationships, leading me through a series of unproductive and unhealthy encounters, and even into marriage. 

In high school, I was the “Most Talented” female All-American Scholar-Athlete with the “Most School Spirit.” I was a multi-club officer, a pageant girl, and l worked summer camps for disadvantaged children. I attended college on full vocal performance, academic, and leadership scholarships (I turned down the athletic ones) from undergrad through my Ph.D. 

But then, I found myself in a controlling marriage, where I was a token bride—regularly being instructed and evaluated on what was considered acceptable beliefs and behaviors, followed by reprimands and punishments for disagreement or failure. Being no stranger to this game of mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse, as my life is indelibly marked by such circumstances, this felt like “normal life” to me. I was no longer allowed to be myself—no longer allowed to work out in a gym, no longer allowed to associate with my friends, have unsupervised visits with my family, or sing in church. Gatherings for work or church could not involve any of my “old behaviors” like dancing, enjoying certain genres of music, or discussing topics that were stereotypically masculine such as competitive sports and exercise. Rarely was I allowed on any unaccompanied outings with my friends.

Having been saved at 28, I was a “young Christian.” I believed this control from my husband was all for my personal and spiritual growth and maturity since he had been a Christian and had studied the Bible for so much longer than I had. I believed I needed to submit and trust him.

A few years into our marriage, several emotionally and physically demanding circumstances arose in my immediate and extended family, creating a perfect storm of grief and chaos. I felt overwhelmed and alone as I tried to hold my family together. My husband completely checked out of life, disconnecting from me, our family, his work, and church responsibilities. He turned to unhealthy, addictive coping mechanisms to dull the pain and escape from reality. He would become angry and lash out at me, spiraling our lives into further chaos. Although on the outside my life appeared somewhat intact, inside, I was self-destructing, struggling with deteriorating health, and in constant pain.

I reached out to our church for help with my crumbling marriage, and they promised to pray and would do the obligatory weekly welfare check with me on Sunday mornings. However, they eventually turned their heads and backs to my children and me, leaving us feeling abandoned by the church we most loved. But the Lord remained faithful, and His mercies are new every day. I learned to cling to His Word and trust in His provisions. I believe that this is the only reason I am alive and well today.

Eventually, due to the chronic neglect, withholding, and misuse of resources -including an addiction – my pastors and mentors agreed it was time for me to remove myself and my children from the situation. In August of 2020, I told my husband that I was filing for divorce and he needed to leave.

In the spring of 2024, one of my few remaining friends introduced me to Called to Peace Ministries (CTPM), strongly encouraging me to go with her to the annual Women’s Retreat a few weeks later. Admittedly, it was with hesitation that I accepted her invitation, due to my recent mental/emotional exhaustion and financial stress. But prayerfully considering that this opportunity was probably from the Lord, I inquired and applied for a scholarship. To my surprise, I soon received a scholarship notification email from CTPM, which meant I could now go without any financial fear.  

My time at the CTPM Women’s Retreat last year was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. What I came to understand while listening to speakers and observing other women was that we are each fearfully and wonderfully made in His image and likeness, and we are each managing our own life experiences to overcome the impacts of abuse, but we are not doing it alone.

Through CTPM, we have an amazing opportunity to love and serve others WHILE BEING loved and served ourselves. We have a sisterhood of intimacy (aka network) like none other, each with our own unique story, yet surrounded by an authentic community of women who understand and lovingly bear each other’s burdens.

Healing and transformation are a process—and they take time. My story is not pretty, and it has wreaked havoc on every aspect of my earthly existence. And for better and worse, my life will NEVER be the same as it once was. But through the faithful generosity of those who walk with us, God in His goodness provided me with something extraordinary–a call to peace. Peace with Him. Peace with myself. Peace with my past, my present, and my future. Peace with my perpetrators. Peace for Eternity. Peace.