As told by “Julie,” written by Lauren Rose
Our dating relationship began with a long-distance challenge. He drove to see me the first week we met, and the love bombing started immediately. He told me he was going to marry me and painted this great life together. Just three months after meeting, we got married—a rush that should have raised a red flag.
The day after our wedding, he told me that he had made a huge mistake marrying me, and he emphasized this to me on most days. Years later, I found out that on our honeymoon, he would sneak out after I fell asleep to go drinking.
After just three months of being married, I discovered that I had a tumor that needed to be immediately removed, landing me in the hospital for about a week. On our first night home, with nine inches of staples across my stomach, he insisted on going out for dinner and sneaking into the movies without paying. When I expressed discomfort with the idea, he became angry and claimed that his life would be miserable and boring being stuck with me. He then dropped me off at home and left me for the night. The next day, he brought home an air mattress and announced that he would be sleeping in the living room of our tiny apartment because he didn’t want to be married to me.
Growing up, my family was very dysfunctional.. Early in our relationship, I asked that we not fight on holidays to ensure they were happy days—something I rarely experienced as a child. He agreed, but then used this as a means to treat me horribly on holidays. He would then use the excuse that we decided not to fight on holidays to justify his behavior. If I was upset, he would say I was ruining the holiday and not even abiding by my own rule.
He then began creating several contracts to control me. These contracts, including one for our “dates,” were not just about rules and restrictions. They carried an emotional weight, a sense of being bound and isolated. I was allotted one date or social outing together every 6 weeks, with specific time restrictions. If we stayed longer than the allotted time, the next social event that wasn’t mandatory would be removed as a consequence. It was a form of control that left me feeling alone and isolated from community support. I wanted to join a small group with our church, and when he agreed, that took place during our allotted “outing.” Another contract had to be signed before he would agree to having a second child. It included a statement he did not have to get the baby up at night, feed, or change diapers.
As time passed, he became increasingly controlling. One day, he took all of our money and gave me a $50.00 weekly allowance for myself and our three kids. He started monitoring my expenses and would scrutinize receipts to see how much I spent. I no longer had access to enough money to fill up the gas in my van, so he had to fill it up. If I used up the gas too quickly for his liking, he wouldn’t refill it.
The abuse had a profound impact on our children. My oldest son suffered the most, experiencing extreme stress that led him to pull out his hair, resulting in substantial bald spots. He had to seek special permission to wear a hat to school to conceal them. Additionally, he was the only one of my children who fully understood that we were struggling to put food on the table, and he even bravely tried to confront his dad about the lack of food.
I got a job at a private Christian school so that our children could attend. On my first day, my husband sent an email to all the school’s administrative staff, saying that if they would hire someone like me, then it was a place he would not want his children to attend. I told my friend what had happened, and she called my pastor. We had a meeting that week with the pastor and two elders.
In that meeting, our problems were mutualized. I was told we were both responsible for the state of our marriage. The church imposed guidelines like counseling, date nights, and financial transparency. We followed these guidelines, but unfortunately, our situation didn’t improve. As things escalated, it became clear that this wasn’t just a “marriage problem.”
When I was introduced to CTPM through my cousin, who learned what was going on in my marriage, it was a turning point in my life. She sent me a link to CTPM’s website, and I cried as I read about Joy Forrest’s own journey. I immediately applied for a scholarship for the annual healing retreat and received support. The Women’s Retreat changed my life. It was the first time I met someone with a similar experience to my own, and she quickly became one of my closest friends. It was the first time I told my story, and I didn’t feel I had to validate or vindicate myself. It was the first time I could openly worship, weep, and laugh without insecurity. I was introduced to the power and control wheel. This visual diagram profoundly changed my understanding of abuse. I learned that abuse can be masked in many forms, but the form of abuse does not determine its depth of destruction; it all destroys. Learning about CTPM was a beacon of hope in my journey, and it empowered me to take control of my life with the Holy Spirit leading.
CTPM Advocates gave practical advice on how to provide experiential evidence to prove abuse without using “catchphrase” terminology to come across as a helpless victim. Their resources and guidance helped me stand in court with power and proper terminology to gain respect and receive favor in court.
Joining a CTPM support group was a transformative experience. We went through Joy Forrest’s book together, and I was able to learn so much from other women who experienced a wide array of abuse, their healing journey, and how the Lord used their experiences in their families and church. The sense of community and shared experiences in the support group made me feel connected and understood, and it was a crucial part of my healing process.
I started sharing CTPM’s resources and training with my church, and I have noticed a significant shift in their support over the past three years. I have been able to connect them with the Protect the Flock training. They have now apologized for their initial handling of the situation. It’s incredible to see the Lord’s work in my life, as my church has come around to support me and now views me as a valuable resource to help others in our community. I deeply desire to serve as an advocate for my church and other women in need, and I hope to take the Advocacy course soon.
Now that I have been out of my abusive marriage for three years, I see the impact of healing on both myself and my family. I have found that having access to good resources, honoring God, and being in the Word have had the most significant impact on maintaining hope and moving forward. CTPM has been a huge contributing factor in facilitating this.
I solely credit the start of my healing journey to the influence of CTPM. I do not make that claim lightly, and I often thank the Lord for the gift of finding this ministry. The Lord has used CTPM to salvage every aspect of my life. The financial assistance I received from CTPM to attend the conference is a gift of grace and mercy that I know has come from the Lord.
Advice to other women overcoming oppression: You are not alone. Your story is not over. Hope is found by clinging to God, His word, and the leading of the Holy Spirit. There is a life past abuse, and healing is possible. I hate that this is something you have experienced, but the Lord is faithful to redeem, and the fact that you have found CTPM is proof of his faithfulness.
