As told by “Serena,” written by Lauren Rose

My husband and I had a brief dating and engagement period of nearly a year before we got married. During that time, I noticed several red flags. Whenever I expressed my concerns to him, he would dismiss them, shower me with handmade gifts, and send handwritten love letters, which made it difficult for me to recognize the unhealthy patterns in our relationship.

Shortly after our wedding, he began to abuse me both emotionally and verbally. He would call me demeaning names, bring up my past, and use my past mistakes as weapons against me. He always felt justified in his actions. Our first year of marriage was filled with challenges, as jealousy, coercive control, and isolation intensified, especially when our opinions differed or I didn’t comply with his wishes.

When I became pregnant with our first child, the violence escalated as my focus shifted from him to preparing for our baby. During my pregnancy, I discovered that he was communicating with other women. When I confronted him about it, he responded by throwing objects at me.

He was diagnosed with PTSD, and I mistakenly assumed that this was the reason for his emotional and physical abuse. I sought help from various counselors, who viewed our issues as marital conflict and told me that I was at fault for not being forgiving and respectful toward my husband.

This advice only worsened my situation, as it reinforced my husband’s claim that I failed to be respectful and submissive. In an attempt to stop the abuse, I brought it to my husband’s attention, expressing how deeply he had hurt me. I told him I had forgiven him but needed him to seek help and cease the abuse.

Those who should have protected me ended up defending my abusive husband. After he became physically violent, I sought refuge with my pastor. However, he discouraged me from calling law enforcement. One night, after being threatened with a loaded gun, I fled to my pastor’s house with my children, but he urged me to call my husband out of respect to inform him of my whereabouts.

I reached out to two different pastors and adhered to the Matthew 18 conflict process for over a decade, receiving advice to be more submissive, win my husband over without speaking, and continue to pray, fast, and seek his forgiveness after his abuse. My pastors offered us marriage counseling, framing our issues as marital conflict, and insisted that I was at fault for not submitting to my husband. I tried my best to follow their guidance, but the abuse continued to escalate in both frequency and severity. He would later use any counseling advice I received as ammunition against me.

Whenever I separated from him, my husband would contact my pastor for help, claiming to be “accountable” to him or at least checking the boxes that I wanted to see before reconciling. However, just two to three months after I moved back in, the abuse and coercive control would return, forcing me to leave again. I believed that I had to keep returning to my husband at all costs to avoid breaking up our family, considering we had several children together.

During our nearly 14 years together, I separated from my husband eight times, typically for a few months each time.

Eventually, a friend helped me find a counselor who understood abuse and connected me with a supportive church. She introduced me to Called to Peace Ministries (CTPM), which assigned me an advocate who listened to me, supported me, and helped me take steps to escape my abusive spouse. They guided me through obtaining a protective order and creating a safety plan. My new pastor, who was also connected to CTPM, provided further assistance by encouraging me to get a protective order and separate. After trying everything with no improvement, I finally took our children and left for good.

I read Joy Forrest’s book, *Called to Peace: A Survivor’s Guide to Finding Peace and Healing After Domestic Abuse*, worked through it with a friend, and participated in a CTPM support group. The book offered me hope and healing from the impacts of domestic abuse and assisted me in recovering from the spiritual abuse I experienced from my husband. My faith in God was restored, and I began to view myself through His eyes of grace and compassion as His beloved daughter.

CTPM helped me heal spiritually by continually reminding me of the Lord’s goodness, reinforcing that God is for me, not against me, and encouraging me to meditate on His truth. This helped me see God as greater than any of the trials I faced. CTPM provided me with specific scriptures to reflect on and aided me in turning those into prayers of lament to heal my broken spirit, which had suffered from the ongoing stress of living in an oppressive marriage. They also taught me how to respond biblically to oppression, reminding me that forgiveness and trust are two separate things. I am grateful that God used CTPM to reveal His gentle and compassionate heart for the afflicted and to bring a new song of peace to my heart.

I am currently enrolled in CTPM’s year-long faith-based advocacy training. This training has significantly aided my healing in multiple ways. The courses offered have helped me understand how to support my children as they heal from the trauma of living in an abusive home. It has also helped me recognize many of the lies and unhealthy belief systems that kept me trapped in my marriage for so long.

As I continue to single-parent my children, I strive to help them recover from their trauma while also healing from my own. I hope to someday start a CTPM support group in my church or community and become a CTPM-affiliated advocate in God’s timing, helping other women find the hope and healing that I have experienced. God continues to reveal His heart for me, and I pray He will eventually use the pain I’ve gone through for His good purposes.

I am incredibly thankful that God has called me out of violence and into peace, allowing me to finally find rest from the oppression I endured for so many years. Called to Peace Ministries has been the literal hands, heart, and feet of Christ, showing me His great love and compassion for those who suffer from oppression, just as I did.

To a woman in an abusive marriage, I would remind her of God’s love for her and His hatred of the oppression she has endured. I would let her know that she is not alone and that the abuse is never her fault. I would offer her support through the resources CTPM provides, sharing how CTPM brought truth and light into the darkness I lived in for so long. As Corrie ten Boom once said, “And there truly is no pit deeper, where God’s love isn’t deeper.”